Expectant Parent Forums

Hi Jessica,

You're right, it is unfair that if you choose to put your son up for adoption, you won't get to participate in all his "firsts".... I have a two month old daughter, and sometimes I find myself getting sad that I won't be there for her first step, first words, first day of kindergarten, etc. At the same time, your parents probably have what's best for you in mind, as well as your son. You might want to write down a list of pros and cons, each for either raising the baby yourself, or giving him up for adoption. This might help you out a lot!

If you give him up for adoption, he and his new family will always know how much you love him. It will hurt a lot, but I know I for one have not regretted my decision to place my daughter.

Of course, you know that no matter how much anyone pushes you to make a certain decision about this, you're the one who has the ultimate say. Hopefully by the time you reach that decision, you will know enough about adoption that you can choose confidently. I wish you all the luck, and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well!!

~Amber

Hi my name is Allie and i posted a thread on here too. Im also 16, ill be 17 in a week and i definately cant make up my mind about what to do about my daughter. The same thoughts that you have consume me about missing out on her life. I am almost certain I am keeping my daughter because I have confidence that I will do everything that Ive ever wanted to do even while caring for my daughter. Some people tell mem i shouldnt because its not the best life i can give her, but i know i will give her the best life i can. I know how you feel, my boyfriend of 2 years who i thought i was going to marry left me for another girl as well. My best friend also just recently committed suicide. Its not an easy task dealing with so many emotions and being pregnant at such a young age... My parents are divorced and while my dad is supportive of any decision i make, my mother is not. Adoption is the only option for her. Dont let anyone, not even your parents, dictate what choice you make. It is your choice and you have every right to place your son or to parent him. Im here to talk if you need it.
*allie*

Hi Allie & Jessica...

My name is Dana and I planned an open adoption for my son 4 years ago when I was 21. I have no doubt that I could have provided for him and am certain I would have been a wonderful single mother but that's just it, a mother, I wanted him to have a father too!

I have several friends that are single parents and they do find unspeakable joy, as does any parent, in their child but their life is very difficult to say the least. My one dear friend couldn't imagine not ever being with her child so she decided to parent, but now she works 10-12 hour days and sees her daughter for a few hours in the evenings and on weekends.

Planning adoption was a tough choice but one that I will never regret. Since our adoption is open, I get to see firsthand that he is being well cared for and loved, everything I could have given him and more...2 parents, a stay at home mom, and a loving father!

As I said in something else I posted...it takes an incredibly strong yet humble woman to realize that she may not be the one to give her child the very best at this point & time.

I am praying for you both as you make this decision!
Dana

I'm a birthmother in an open adoption, Madison is four and today is her first day of pre-school. The biggest piece of advice that I can give you is to go and see someone. I don't know if you have been in contact with anyone from Bethany but they are here to help. If you decide to parent or to release you need to sort through the feelings that you are having.
I'm sure your local office could put you in contact with someone who has released to get their perspective, if you think that that would help.
Whatever you decide you have to do what is best for you and this child, I wish you the best of luck in making this tough decision. If you have any question feel free to ask.
Heather

I agree with Dana, the fact that I want my daughter to have a dad too, was a big reason for giving her to adoption. I wanted her to grow up with two parents who love eachother, just like I grew up with mine. I think that kind of situation is easier for young children to deal with than parents who aren't together and split their time with the kid.

Hi Jessica & Allie & others who may be reading and are contemplating adoption!

First of all, let me say to you that you have already made a wonderful decision in carrying your baby to term. I know it's a difficult decision to make as I contemplated abortion myself but decided to choose life for my baby & myself!

I echo the words of what someone else said...go talk to someone. The counselors at Bethany are phenomenal. Very professional, yet down to earth, sympathetic, etc. They will listen to you and will not cram adoption down your throat...that's a decision that rests in your hands & heart. If anyone would like to talk to me personally, please feel free to email me at dana@extremehope.org and put something about adoption in the title please.

Dana

September 8, 2003


Hi, Jessica!

No, I will not lie to you. If you give up your child there is no guarantee he will automatically know you love him. There are lots of people between you and your son, now and probably always will be, and at sixteen that's not always clear to you.
It is true that you have more to lose being sixteen and pregnant out-of-wedlock, than I had being illegitimately pregnant at twenty-four. If anything has taught me about a mother and her baby--the mother and child relationship--since I lost my son to a fraudulent child welfare agency worker in 1978 it's this. That bond NEVER can be broken. You will always love your child. And, I also learned that the biggest lie of adoption that everybody tells mothers like yourself is that you will forget about your child one he's been placed. This is NOT true. If it were true that mothers forget about their newborn infant child, after the baby is removed from her custody, I wouldn't be writing this.
However let me tell you a few things you should be aware of. Now, I'm not a lawyer nor do I work in the law. However, I've learned a lot about the law since losing my child. Most of what I've learned has been by going into law libraries and spending hours studying the law. But, I'm only too glad to pass onto you some of what I've learned.
Being a juvenile is problematic. From the standpoint of your juvenile status, thus, the life-altering decisions that will be made relative to you and your child pertaining to the future of both of you will probably not be what you would like.
However, there seems no pragmatic solution to the problem of a sixteen year-old taking care of a baby since juveniles your age generally have a difficult time even having a part-time job. LET ME LEAVE THE BOARD, HERE, FOR A MINUTE, AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

September 8, 2003


It's me again, Jessica, Malcom (actually, my name is Kathy).
Anyway, let me continue where I left off previously. Though I said there seems to be no practical way a 16 year-old can take care of a newborn baby, without the possibility of gravely serious problems developing, I would like to say this. Maybe you should consider this option, as the lesser of the two evils.
Try to negotiate an open adoption arrangement, so that you will know something of your child as he's growing up. Open adoptions allow mothers and fathers to receive information about their child, through photographs and letters and things, while not having legal custody. It's not possible for you to have legal custody of your child, at 16.
In my soul I don't believe your parents are trying to take anything away from you, and I don't believe you want to hurt them either. Though this will sound like an old clichet the fact is that the one who stands to get hurt and hurt the worse is your child.
Yours is a situation of a baby having a baby. Give your baby a chance. Enter into an open adoption. This will give you an opportunity to watch your child grow, and will give your child opportunity you cannot provide.
I'm so terribly sorry, for your tragedy, Jessica. No winners prevail, in these kinds of matters, everyone suffers.
My prayers are with you. You're right though to say that time is running out. You don't have much time left. Work out an open adoption arrangement. Do NOT let the relationship between you and your child be severed completely to the point that you never have any knowledge of his status and whereabouts. This is what really hurts--not knowing.
When my child was taken from me I was denied knowing anything about him. So, I can tell you, from first-hand experience I would strongly advise that you maintain some contact with your child. Don't let anyone tell you it's not possible for you to have some contact with your son; it IS possible. That's open adoption! Keep you and your child's relationship alive, as much as you can.
Again, my prayers are with you.

'Malcom'
Kathy

Hello Kathy,
I'm sorry about what happened with your child.
One thing that is very positive and wonderful about the Bethany Adoptions is that we the BirthMothers choose the Adoptive families. The families promise to send letters and pictures every month and a majority of them do. Some send once a year, but that is better then nothing at all. Besides parenting is a fulltime job. If I had any doubts about what kind of group Bethany was, I never would have continued to go there much less allow them to handle the adoption process of my daughter. I recently recieved more pictures and a letter from the adoptive family to my daughter, and I see a family I helped to complete, as well as what I want to have when I am married, husband that loves me and respects me and the same for him and a beautiful child. The most imprtant factor was to me that my birth daughter is being raised in a christain home that praises God and will teach her all of his love. I wanted her to have a wonderful life, I gave it to her by choosing them to parent her. And I know they are thankful of me every day since they had the news of my pregnancy and they were before, they prayed for me because they wanted to be parents. The Adoptive mom even wrote " I can now look back and be thankful for infertility, because if it I now have Kaylee". How awesome is that?!?!?!?!?!
Do I regret the adoption? Well if I said completly no then that is a lie, I regrete not seeing her grow up. But seeing her safe loved and being spoiled is the best comfort to me.

Thank you for listening...
DeeAnna

I AM IN THE SAME SITUATION THAT YOU ARE IN..BUT I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP MY CHILD...I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...BUT U MAKE THE CHOICE...<<<<<<<

Hello Tiana,

I too was 15 when I became pregnant and just turned 16 when I had my only child. I am now 42 and have no other children. I was told, like you probably are, that you will get on with your life, marry and have other children. The experience of loosing your child to adoption, like many women and girls have experienced, never goes away and you never get over it. It will affect you, your relationships with others, your parents, your friends and your partners. You will be extremely depressed for several months after the loss and go in and out of depression throughout your lifetime. If anyone tells you any different they are lying to you.

I was not provided with all of the information in order to make a sound decision. I urge you and all other girls and women that are pregnant to really research all information on adoption by speaking with other natural mothers who have lost their children to adoption and to adopted adults who have experience adoption first hand.

Here is some info for you on the detremental effects of adoption:

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_s ... index.html

http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2009/06 ... other.html

The many stories I have heard lead me to believe that adoption is not the answer. There are many resources for keeping your child such as:

http://www.antiadoption.org/

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

http://www.co-abode.com/


Please note that "Open Adoption is not a legally binding agreement in either Canada or the US. In fact many adoptive parents will tell the pregnant women/girls that they will follow the "Open Adoption Agreement" and later move states/provinces and/or change their phone number and move so as to no longer have contact with the natural mothers. The result is that you will never see your child again.

You are not responsible for providing a child to people that cannot have children. Please do not ever feel obligated to these people.

Remember if they call you birthmother when you are still pregnant this is coercion. If they get you to meet the adopted parents when you are pregnant this is coercion.

Your bond with your child is the most important thing. All the best to you and your baby.

You ARE what is best for him. If you want to be the best for him you will work at it. You CAN do it!

You are what is best for him and do not let anyone tell you different!!!!! The love a natural mother has for thier child cannot ever be replaced.